I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
