I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
