everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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