dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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