VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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