her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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