He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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