he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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