3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
