census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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