and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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