Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
