Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
