I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
