because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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