Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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