The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
