just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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