why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize