Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
