my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
