Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
