I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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