Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
