I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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