I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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