I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
