dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
