you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
