i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
His hands were made for my vagina.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
