don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize