White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
