I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
