god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
