4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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