FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
