God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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