What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
zippers are such a cool invention
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
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