Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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