If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
