I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
