Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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