I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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