i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I love you. Go after that dick
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
