Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
