You can't special order awesome
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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