i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
