3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
