I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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