i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
