I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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