you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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