I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
