My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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