I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
