I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
