my mouth tastes like poor choices
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I did not marry a roomba.
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