Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
sarcasm needs its own font
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm like, not good at living.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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