Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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